Grief – Coming to terms with loss.

This week we said goodbye to Bramble, our older and last dog coming in at 13 ½ yrs old. She was the ultimate ratter, cat chaser and fox hound everything a Jack Russel Terrier is known for.

She was possibly one of the best teachers, being a wood element, she never just gave me the answers but guided me to look deeper, understand the little things and how much of an impact I and the other humans in her life  and the environment were on her.  Bramble has helped me on this amazing journey I am on, being a case study for the advanced course I’ve just passed. So her very sudden short illness caught me off guard, despite all the training and learning I’ve undertaken these last few years I felt totally helpless.

So, I thought it would be a good idea to write about grief, and in particular my grief and how I’ve used essential oils to support me through my grief journey.

Firstly, grief is normal, in fact I don’t think we give grief enough credit for being part of a healthy response in our lives. It is also very personal no two living beings will experience grief in the same way. And grief also has stages which we will all go through, some will process grief quicker than others, some will hold onto the grief often for longer than needed. But recognising and guiding that living being to a healthy release of their grief so they can heal and move on is important too. So, while we currently do not have any animals in our house, I would have supported them in their grief at the loss of Bramble as our animals are affected just as much as us when they lose a family member. Instead, I’ve supported myself and unbeknown to him my husband.

Grief has phases or stages which have been well documented, what I will say is it is very personal how and in what order you will experience them, they tend to be listed as follows.

1. Disbelief/Denial/Overwhelm – This is a defence mechanism; it allows us to gradually absorb the news and process it at our own pace.
2. Rage/Blame – As the denial fades our emotional side takes over and our anger and resentment rise. Which is often directed at the situation, ourselves and others, during this phase we can be perceived as being unapproachable by others, in a moment when we could benefit from comfort, connection and reassurance.
3. Guilt/Shame/Bargaining – During this phase we often look back on our personal faults and regrets and can focus too intently on them. Looking back on interactions we had with them noting all the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain (not physical pain).

During this time, it isn’t unusual to feel so desperate, that you will try to bargain to change the situation, often calling to a higher being or the Universe.

4. True Grief/Depression – Once our emotions and imagination calm down, we begin to slowly start to look at the reality of the situation. We start to feel the loss more abundantly, our emotions are subsiding and the emotional fog is lifting, and the loss starts to feel more present, painful and unavoidable. We tend to pull inwards as our sadness grows. Being less sociable and reaching out less to others about what we’re going through. This is a very natural stage of the grieving process.
5. Acceptance – This is not that you’re done with grief. We have come to a place of acceptance; we still feel the pain and loss. But at this point we are no loner resisting the reality of the situation and not trying to change it into something different. The regret and sadness can still be present, but the emotional survival tactics of denial, anger, guilt have calmed down and tend to be less present in this phase.

As I’ve said previously grief is incredibly personal and a journey, we all take alone, even when others are grieving around you. For me I reached to my Essential oil kit, and on the day, we said goodbye to Bramble, Frankincense was my go-to oil, I placed a few drops onto a tissue and it came to bed with me that evening to help me process my grief and to allow me to release my grief. I’m not going to lie there were and have been lots of tears.

The next day I was looking for something else, Frankincense wasn’t what I needed at this stage, I ended up choosing Cypress, Neroli and Marjoram. How I chose my oils was literally by smelling the oils I have in my kit and going with what my body said I needed at that time.

Cypress is a good grief oil; it helps with any personal loss that has destabilised emotions and boy doesn’t grief do that! Cypress says to you “have a good cry, then mop up your tears and move on!”

Neroli, oh my days I love Neroli, partly because some of the first animals that helped me on this journey with the APA course really introduced me to the power of Neroli. This oil heals the sorrow held in the heart and eases the pain of loss; it has the most amazing fragrance and gave me the sense I was being held.

Marjoram is a warming nourishing oil, it’s a deeply relaxing oil that can help you come to terms with loss. It has a lovely herbaceous, sweet aroma.

Again, with these oils I popped a few drops on tissues and had them near me reaching for the one I needed at that moment in time without thinking. I also did some meditations with the bottles open around me. For me that felt right, that was how I needed to work with the oils.

As you probably have realised, I’m now in the acceptance phase. I have been through the blame phase “why couldn’t I save her?”, “what is the point of all this training if I couldn’t recognise what was going on?”. The truth is her illness was acute and all I really could do was support her and be there for her during it. There have been tears, and more tears, snot and sobbing feeling my heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces never to be whole again. I have blamed myself and the universe. Then the calm and the true loss hits, no wing man on car journeys, no treasure hunts and sea sticks on the beach, no ratting in the local park. No snuggling in the bed or being woken up at some god unearthly hour because the fox has been by. I still talk as if she’s with me and I probably will always as I still talk to all those who have gone before, as that’s part of grief and remembering.

Bramble is a big miss, the house, the car and my walks all seem very quiet and missing something.  The sadness, pain and loss are still here, but you know a wise woman once did a webinar on grief and said.

“Every ending is a new beginning.

This process of release must be honoured and allowed its time.

It cannot be rushed.”

When we experience grief, please remember to give support for the emotional and physical aspects felt by both human and animals during and after a loss. The types of support you can give are: –

Talking

Permission to Grieve (it really is ok to grieve and perfectly normal to do)

Tapping

Time (there really is no time frame)

Your presence (especially to your animal family who will be feel the loss too and to yourself ).

Essential Oils to support.

So my take home message is grief is natural, and we will grieve not only for a loss of a pet or loved one, but we can grieve for a number of things such as a breakdown in friendships, a job, a relationship. So be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to go through the process as god awful as it is at the time. It really is normal and healthy, however if you are ever feeling you’re not moving through the stages (the stages happen differently for each person), or you’re feeling stuck please reach out to a professional for help.

Pet Bereavement Support Service
If you feel you have no-one to talk to, or worry about upsetting others also affected by your bereavement it is worth knowing that the Blue Cross offers a pet bereavement support service. Contact them on 0800 0966606 (UK)
email www.bluecross.org.uk

Likewise cats Protection offer a Grief Service offering advice and support not only for bereavement, but also missing pets, and the sadness of having to give up your pets for any reason. Their confidential line is available 9-5 Monday – Friday on 0800 0249494 (UK) or www.cats.org.uk/grief

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